The Most Sexist Fanfic You Will Ever Read
by Dancing Feather
Summary: Gender is how a character is judged, rated and 'paired'. In the end, personality means nothing. Warning: AU to the extreme but strangely, completely in character. With EVERY pairing you can think of and worse. The end? Damn the psychology degree.
1. You know it's true

To those of you who are easily offended, I want you to be aware that I love this show/manga and all of the characters (yes, all of them). Like an elementary school boy, I show my love by making fun of it. So if you are curious to know who are my favorite characters, all you have to do is check is how often I make fun of them.

If English isn't your first language you might want to be careful, I throw a lot of puns and brick jokes. If you are not familiar with basic Japanese fan culture, other jokes may not make sense to you. But if you have great spelling and grammatical powers, please utilize them! I don't care if the mistake is small, I want to improve any way I can! Yu Yu Hakusho belongs to Yoshihiro Togashi, last I checked.

* * *

**Case Number 01: If Kuwabara was a Girl...**

She would've been envied by the boys and constantly mocked by the girls at school for her unusual height. She is a tom boy at heart, and keeps her hair short so no one can use it against her in a fight. If that mess of curls on top of her head was natural in the original, then here she would probably give that Shirley Temple look. Since she's big height wise, she's probably big around her chest area too (I'm considering anime physics, not real life here). And because of that, her three unnamed school friends would constantly dream of being 'more than friends' with her.

She would wear proper school uniform, but as soon as she was out she would be wearing pants. In an ironic twist, she still would never hit a girl, despite being one herself. Yusuke would call her a hypocrite (if he knows that word), and another fight would ensue. And no one would mock her love for cats. Fan service might feature her in a cat girl costume and people would call it adorable.

(For those having issues imagining it, you have to remember that Togashi can only draw pretty girls unless they are old. Then they are just awesome.)

As for the fandom, a lot less people would find her annoying. Because she's a girl, she would then be compared to Botan and Keiko and not the supreme power houses (read: Urameshi, Hiei and Kurama). She would never be called a useless git and would be seen as a great helper who actually does stuff.

For relationships in the show and manga, she would start with a love triangle with Keiko over Urameshi and end with a love/hate relationship with Hiei. In the fandom, some people would consider Keiko boring compared to Kuwabara and would hold a dim candle to the pairing that 'should have been'. Meanwhile in another part of the fandom, there would be a redhead battle over Hiei/Kuwabara and Hiei/Kurama. Some of you might try solving it by going Kuwabara/Hiei/Kurama. Other might rebel and go Hiei/Kuwabara/Yusuke.

Or, keeping to her original character when she was a male, she would be the star butch lesbian. In fact, since Yukina is an Ice Maiden and so probably isn't so hot into men to begin with, she would jump right into Kuwabara's arms.

Oh yeah.


	2. If Bubbles was stable

**Case Number 02: If Botan Was a Dude...**

Let's face it, he'd either be a flaming queen or a drag queen. The canon gay jokes wouldn't be focused on Kuwabara, but Botan. But if we choose the drag queen option, then the gay jokes won't have to stray so far from Kuwabara, as his ability to identify gender will still be his downfall.

To be fair, my ability to identify gender isn't that great either, but unlike Kuwabara, I don't care.

"Kuwabara, let me introduce you to my friend (read: slave master), Botan."

"Heheh, hi pretty!"

"The pleasure is all mine!"

"Kuwabara, you know you're looking at a dude, right?"

"What?"

"Oh Yusuke! If you kept your mouth shut he might've liked it!"

"Shit! You're right!"

"Ah! What's _wrong_ with you people?"


	3. If Female was Male

**Case Number 03: If Keiko was a Boy...**

His name would be Kaito.

He would be the strangest uke you have ever met.

And oddly, he would still not be interesting enough to write about.


	4. If Pu were not so Ambiguous

**Case Number 04: If Pu were not so Ambiguous...**

_Obviously Male:_  
Nothing worth reporting. The show and manga would press on normally.

_Obviously Female:_  
Can you even begin to imagine what Yusuke would go through? He wouldn't be able to walk in and out of a room without one of his friends (or enemies) mentioning his inner woman.

"I bet I could make that chick sing a different tune, if you know what I mean."

In fact, they would start wondering if he really was a he. Yusuke would get so sick of the constant mocking he might just-

"Yes! I'm really a transman! Goddammit Kuwabara!"

"I knew it!"


	5. If Kurama was a Guy

**Case Number 05: If Kurama was a Girl...**

Honestly, I don't think anything would change much in the show or manga. Except when she turns into Yoko. Not only is the name more appropriate, but the straight male/lesbian fandom would certainly be wondering how she'd fill that white outfit... if you know what I mean.

The biggest change would come from the fandom, when Togashi was given the question of Hiei and Kurama's relationship he dodged the question like the smart man he was. To say yes would have all of his homophobe fans ditch the story regardless how much they liked it before hand. To say no would lose all of the heterophobes in his fandom.

The man could not win that situation.

But somewhere in an alternate universe where Kurama was female a die hard fan would ask Togashi in an interview if Kurama and Hiei were an item. In which Togashi would reply the Japanese equivalent of "Duh."


	6. And not because of bad translators

**Case Number 06: If Genkai** **was a Man...**

For those genre savvy, we would've seen his death coming as soon as he claimed Yusuke as his student. Let's face it, old men who know a lot of cool stuff tend to die. Especially if they are gay. So oddly enough, no one would see his revival coming. If might've been the biggest twist in the history of manga. An old man who's gay came back to life.

However, the fact that an old gay man training a young boy would meet countless jokes of the pedophilia sort. Even though Genkai never showed any of that dangerous behavior. Look up Dumbledore for reference.

But despite all of this, the true question would lie in Genkai's younger self. Would he have pink hair?

The world will never know.


	7. If Yukina was Something

**Case Number 07: If Yukina was a Boy...**

The most uke uke EVER.

But, if that wasn't the case...

No, that would be the case if an Ice Maiden could be a man. Either he would be tossed off with Hiei or his incredibly feminine ways would save him. So, because his sole survival in living with the Ice Maidens was to be as girly as possible. Hell, the entire show could go on as normal and no one would know his true gender...

Wait.


	8. If Yukina was Something Else

**Case Number 08: If Yukina was a Girl...**

Kuwabara wouldn't know the difference.


	9. If George was less blue

**Case Number 09: If George was a Woman...**

Georgina?

Man, her role would turn sour fast. Because, apparently, it's okay to have abusive humor towards the male community. It's all fun and games, men beating up men, women trashing men. Hilarious. But as soon as a male smacks a woman it's, "Oh shit! That dude is crazy! He needs to be locked up!" So if Koenma didn't change his attitude fast, the feminists would start shrieking.

Actually, I have to admit that would be funny to watch.

And because it's Yu Yu Hakusho, every woman needs a love interest. Males are the only ones allowed to be asexual. Well, males and anyone else who isn't attractive. I'm looking at you, Kurama. Sure you have the memories of your past life, but you are still in the body of a fifteen year old boy. You can't tell me that your hormones actually took pity on you.

But back to Georgina. Who would be the most likely pairing? Oh, this is easy, Koenma/George. Or, if you like blue, Botan/George.

Wow.

So, this would mean George can get revenge... I wonder how good sex-change operations are in Spirit World?

I hear animal print bikinis are still in.


	10. If Shizuru was a Dude

**Case Number 10: If Shizuru was a Dude...**

Instead of being seen as a cruel sister, he would be seen as a cool brother. Being a suave talker with his trademarked cigarette who only beat up on his little brother when he felt Kuwabara went too far. Possibly giving an even stronger impression of a yakuza on accident. Kuwabara might also not have been so obsessed with the whole 'to be a man' spiel if there was someone else other than his weird dad to compare to.

Aside from that, I think Shizuru would 'swing' very similar to how Kurama did. The only thing that would change dramatically would be the label of the relationship he had with Sakyo. Of course, Sakyo, who looked too handsome to be straight in anime/manga anyways, would still fit the role perfectly.

It didn't help that he 'worked' for the BBC.

But because of this, the end of their relationship would be way too predictable for the genre savvy. As for some reason in 'normal' shows, gays and lesbians cannot find a partner. If they do, it always ends horribly. I'd like to show Itsuki and Sensui as examples, but those two had it coming by being antagonists in a shounen manga.

Double whammy.

It is still good advice. If you find out you are living a shounen manga and you are not the main character, you better find out who is fast. Unless you don't mind accidentally pissing off the protagonist and dying. That is, unless you want to die. In which case you can choose from any array of awesome explosions.


	11. If Bui was a Woman

**Case Number 11: If Bui was a Woman... In Disguise!**

It would be one of those surprise reveals. Everyone thinks Hiei fighting a man, Hiei thinks he's fighting a man. Toguro thinks he's fighting a man. Kurama might know better, depending on if Togashi thinks his insane knowledge would add more to the drama.

Knowing the fandom, this would be turned into a big joke. You know, big woman little man thing.


	12. If Sensui was a Lady

**Case Number 12: If Sensui was a Lady...**

Let's just say there would be no closet surprise.


	13. If Itsuki was a Woman

**Case Number 13: If Itsuki was a... Fan Girl?  
**

Suddenly, whatever impression he once had as a male drops and she now looks like a fan girl. The somewhat... obsessive fan girl.


	14. But if they were Lesbians

You can thank SPS-kun for this idea.

* * *

**Case Number 14: But If Sensui and Itsuki were Lesbians...**

This one was tricky. The more I thought about it, the more I realized this would be greatly twisted. As for some reason in entertainment, the public is easier to lesbians than gays. It's such a steep slope that I'm not quite sure how they would leave the show. Being antagonists establishes that they are going to lose one way or another. But how they would exit is questionable. After Yusuke regains conscious and demands that he did not fight fairly and requests he should have a rematch Itsuki tells him that what he has done is enough, after that there are two ways it would go;

One, they disappear with the usual sad getup and everyone is depressed. However, they would show up later giving surprise guest appearances announcing that they had miraculously found a miracle cure. Everyone is happy.

Or, they go off with no word of the disease and they may even come back later for a guest appearance. Maybe even assisting Yusuke with a later bad guy.

Lesbian starts with a L for lucky!


	15. If Ruka was a Man

**Case Number 15: If Ruka was a Man...**

It would be a trap.

Everyone would fall for it, except for Kurama. Maybe.

But especially Kuwabara.

And hilariously Hiei.

Not that it would effect him much.

Or would it? No one gave much of a glance at her in the manga, but in the anime, the only people who made a fuss was Yusuke and Koenma. Well, that was the English version. In the Japanese the only one who freaked was Koenma. Kurama could get away with the straight gentleman excuse but everyone else could go into the bi or gay territory. That and for some reason in entertainment, there is no such thing as asexual. They're just mystical legends like unicorns!

So now the question lies, would Hiei be tempted? He does seem to attract the effeminates like Kurama to flowers...

Not that I'm trying to hint at anything.

Or am I?


	16. If Hiei was not Hiei

**Case Number 16: If Hiei was a Girl...**

Like Kuwabara, her main role wouldn't change but everything around her would. She'd still be thrown overboard, as being a fire demon would still be too dangerous for the Ice Maidens and she'd still be trained by the Makai Thieves. But in the end, instead of trying to kill her because she was seen to be too dangerous, they would try making out with her. She'd kill most of them and flee to find her sister.

Which might make Shigure/Hiei a more frightening realism.

Because of how most people are raised to handle genders, Hiei will now appear to be more of an annoying angsty ripoff for her attitude than her cool male counterpart. I don't know why the appearance would change so much. Gender roles indeed.

But do not worry, Hiei fans! As her past is revealed and gets character development I'm sure the numbers would go sky high again. Her first fans may not be ones that care for character though. As being a small woman, fan service tends to get brutal. Hell, they were brutal when he was a man. It only gets worse. A-like so;

Her outfit for one, it would change dramatically. Not the colors mind you, but trim. For the sake of fan service, her cloak/robe would be cut to her thigh. She would have knee high boots. I'm not so sure about the sleeves however, she might have them depending on the weather.

Yum, thighs.

The relationship issue might be as complicated as Kuwabara's too. It would start Hiei/Kurama, but it certainly wouldn't end there. For those who watch the anime, do you realize how many times Yusuke said something that made Hiei look coy? Those animated scenes would now be made more dramatic and would actually show her blushing. As girls who are mad, nervous or scared blush. Men just get eye twitches and a bunch of black lines smeared on their face.

Those who love conflict will definitely be swinging around the Hiei/Kuwabara playground. But those who love lesbians would be tying their heart strings around Mukuro/Hiei.

Gravity would actually affect her hairdo and no longer resemble a black pine tree. It is not becoming of a female to have a stupid hairdo. Maybe it would resemble a softer shrubbery. There will be a great hole created in the fandom as the Vegeta comparison jokes disappear into the darkness of the AU.

And because she is a main female character, she would have impressive breasts. Well, impressive for a smaller lady.

Wow, she's hardly recognizable now.


	17. If Elder Toguro was a Woman

**Case Number 17: If Elder Toguro was a Woman... Thing...**

Woman plus tentacle like powers, do I need to explain? The rating on the anime/manga might've gone up in Japan just for the innuendo or removed. If it was removed her power would be changed into cloning. Hentai fans would complain and rebel... by drawing doujinshi. They would pair her up with all the females and the questionable males.

But that's nothing new coming from an anime fandom.


	18. If Shishiwakamaru was a She

**Case Number 18: If Shishiwakamaru was a She...**

Her name wouldn't be so humorous to the English speaking fans anymore. But forgetting the fandom for a moment, she would not only have a large group of female fans during the Dark Tournament, but quite a bit of male fans too.

Like Hiei the outfit would be an echo from the original, the trim would be cut to show legs. Unlike Hiei, it's obvious that the sleeves would stay. As without the sleeves, no one would know what the hell she was wearing. And she's got to stay stylish.

And because he's now a she, her imp form would be horrendously adorable. She turns into her human form in a desperate attempt to get away from the cute.

Being a grouchy background female character, she would be open to all sorts of pairings. The pairings would more likely center around his group. Those who love beauty jokes will chose Suzuki. If you want color coordination, then Chu. Pedophilia you go for Rinku. For those who love challenges can attempt Shishi/Touya. For those who like double helpings of grouchy, Shishi/Hiei.

If Genkai wasn't so old people would be tossing that pairing everywhere.

But since she's old and people don't like salad, she would just be turned into one of many Genkai fans. Removing any romantic overtones. The show (and this fanfic) already has enough of that. She would follow her everywhere, doing chores and etcetera for her. Making her a more tolerant/helpful student than Yusuke.

Irony.


	19. If Koenma was a Girl and or Woman

**Case Number 19: If Koenma was a Girl/Woman...**

There would be no baby jokes. Heck, she would never be shown as a baby. Maybe a pre-teen. And boy, can you imagine what her older form would look like? Being a god, she would probably have a magical rack. She'd also have really nice, long dark purple and light pink robes and her silly hat would never exist. Her hair would be long, flowing but still straight and brown (but an awesome brown, people will say 'chestnut' instead). If you want to push it, maybe some braids and 'Chinese' buns. And because irony calls for it, she would carry a fan everywhere.

Now that she is a beautiful girl, the word Jr. and all the jokes associated with it are gone. Would that mean she would get a name change? Kienma-sama? Enchi-sama? Enka-sama? Please excuse my Japanese puns as they suck their way out of this chapter.

George would be removed with a fairy girl or be given a shirt (Probably with the words, "Welcome to Hell/Heaven/Purgatory" or something). Otherwise everyone would question her work ethics. Staring at men's chests all day, the nerve! But does that mean the original Koenma was bi? Actually, because he is a god, wouldn't he be omnisexual? But that's just my belief, I don't want to offend anybody. Of course, the only people I could have offended with that remark left after the first chapter.

So, back to our goddess.

Like Kurama's questionable sexuality, hers would be put into question as well. Togashi would encourage it by making sure if not Botan, some other pretty (read: hot) fairy girls following her around. Doing things as important as helping with paperwork and things as meaningless as nails. Every straight man would not be looking at her in awe, but envy. The gay men would not care because they are too busy staring at Kurama.

Taking that into account, she probably would be able to keep her name.

Since Koenma loves teasing and making fun of others, she would take advantage of her looks and constantly mock attraction to the other characters in the series.

Except Kurama.

But other than that, there wouldn't be much of a change. Instead of being called a jerk she would be called a bitch. As for some reason it's only okay to call a bossy female that.

And Kurama.

The biggest change in the fandom would be two things. Koenma/Botan would be harder to find but Yusuke/Koenma will jump several hundreds. Of course if you love spicy relationships, Yusuke is the best guy to do it.

To Kurama.


	20. If Younger Toguro was a Female

**Case Number 20: If Younger Toguro was a Female...**

The first thing that comes to mind is the part were he went to a hundred percent power and his shirt ripped off. I wonder, if he were a she, would her bra stay put for the sake of the censors? It wouldn't matter anyways, heavily muscled women look like they have man chests. But when females look too much like guys suddenly they are treated on the same account as if they were gay males. So with all of this in account this is how it might go,

Toguro is a transman. And is the best one you ever saw. No one hints at the fact that he is really a she. Togashi never tells his editors or his assistance. He gets away with having her chest shown on television.

So for everyone who has a fetish for heavily muscled women, this is the dream come true. And in some odd way, this makes Genkai look even more awesome for having such a relationship. Not that anyone will know, because Togashi never told anyone.

Best kept secret _ever_.


	21. If Jin was a Woman

**Case Number 21: If Jin was a Woman...**

Aside from being more feminine in shape, there wouldn't be any major altered appearance. Her outfit would stay the same, the top part would just be considered risky, and somewhat magical as it manages to never get damaged. Except for a piece of fan service where Yusuke manages to rip one of the fabrics and she ends up trying to hide her exposed breast with one hand while fighting.

Oh, yeah.

The Jin/Yusuke fan base would gain several hundreds of more members because the pesky gay thing wouldn't be there to bother them. Those who fear messing with canon would go Jin/Touya, but those people would have been already doing that anyway. But more so, because now one of them has a vagina.

And unless Ruka is pan or bisexual, she'll have to find someone else to fond over.

Let's see, Kuwabara has red hair...


	22. Long Title, Short Chapter

**Case Number 22: If Kurama's Demon Counterpart was the Woman and not the Human...**

Kurama would finally have an excuse.


	23. Ice Ice Dentyne Ice

**Case Number 23: If Touya was a Lady...**

Her name would be Tonya. She'd give everyone the colder shoulder.

Aside from the lame joke, Tonya would probably be given less attention by the fans then she did as a male due to the gay/straight YYH fan ratio and lack of interest. The most common pairing for her would probably still be with Kurama aside from Jin. It doesn't help that Daniel Katsük, the American voice actor for Touya, kept bringing up that Touya should've just taken Kurama from the King's tournament and ran for it. And that was when Touya was still a dude. So, it's all left up for questioning.

Like, what is Katsük smoking?


	24. If a creepy person was more creepy

**Case Number 24: If Karasu was (more of) a Woman...**

Considering the cut of his outfit a large rack could easily fit in there. Turning him from one of the least favorite characters in the male fandom to a more competitive number. Guys would change from caring about Kurama's plight to wondering, "What the hell's wrong with him? If a chick came on to me like that I'd be shagging her into... he must be gay! That's it! I knew someone as gay as Kurama couldn't be straight!"

Because it's not considered rape if a really hot woman does it.


	25. If Byakko was a Feline

**Case Number 25: If Byakko was a Female...**

Female plus cat equals questionably erotic character. Damn, her outfit wouldn't even change except for size. You know how these shows work. She would be trim with a nice long tail. Her 'hair' wouldn't be green, because now they want you to like her, it would be dark blue like her stripes.

Kuwabara/Byakko, anyone?

Her possibility of dieing would shoot down, Hiei and his honor code might've blocked Seiryu faster before her demise. If she lived, she would've made a guest appearance at the Three Kings Tournament.

So Hiei/Byakko, anyone?


	26. THE BIG ONE

**Case Number 26: If Urameshi Was a Girl...**

Being the main protagonist, about seventy percent of the show would be flipped upside down. In it's day (and probably still today), the show would have been considered refreshing because a female stared in a fighting/tournament anime which is a more masculine associated option. And if you thought the pairing wars were aggressive when he was a male, it would get so much worse as a female (due to being the main character). Damn, it's like we were talking about a real life person here.

What automatically gets changed because of gender alone: Obviously seeing how the other girls are shown and reflected in YYH (main girls/Kurama are always modestly clothed, background girls/drag queens/Hiei are flashy), Yusuke is going to be somewhere in between. Her breasts won't be small, but they won't be so big that it would be a nuisance in a fight (and in animation). Her shirts will still be destroyed, but since it's a teen manga and not an adult she will always conveniently have enough shirt by the end of the battle to hide her boobs. To make up for that, her pants will be ripped until they become short-shorts.

Since Yusuke strives to rebel (and since the females are aloud to get away with this), she would not wear a green schoolgirl uniform, she would wear the normal schoolboy one since that would give the same amount of shock value while still looking tough. She might joke to frustrated teachers of her earlier plans of getting her schoolboy outfit green (it's more her color anyways), but they were all sold out.

Her relationship with Kuwabara will obviously be twisted due to his desire to be a gentleman around people with vaginas and not penises. How he would react to a Hermaphrodite I have no idea- ANYWAYS... Togashi may take this as an advantage to show the readers/watchers further character development. Yusuke, would not beat up Kuwabara out of gang status, but out of frustration of the iconic status being a female at the time entailed. Because of this, Kuwabara may not be as adverse to beating up female enemies later in the story.

Botan may be changed into a male just to emphasize the male/female clash or kept as is for the traditional woman/butch woman clash. Keiko, though only looking out for her best friend, would constantly attempt to make Yusuke into a 'proper' girl. Instead of dismissing Yusuke's pranks as stupid antics, Keiko may see Yusuke's rebels as someone with a troubled mind.

Her rough girl status would change at school in a way similar to if Kuwabara was a female. The gossip would still be ridiculous, but she wouldn't be as feared by her fellow classmates. Girls would aspire to be like her, boys would envy and weep at their inability to date her for not being as 'manly' as her. But in turn, she may be even more unpopular with the teachers. And while this would be understandable side-plot of peer pressure, this would be borderline irritating feminism for first season/arc. However, I believe after all of the characters would be introduced with their plots it would be buried deeply and grow into a nice plant.

Much to the original Yusuke's frustration, Genkai would have been be more gentle as a teacher. I have no doubt that insults would still fly and the training would still be difficult, but Genkai may have seen her reflection in Yusuke easier. Instead of seeing some irritating boy trying to make it big fast she would be remembered of her hardships as a girl. Of course, I could be wrong and it may be reverse logic entirely. Genkai may be even more of an ass in an attempt to improve Yusuke's skills faster.

And for a joke, Togashi would have set up false sexual tension between Yusuke and Sensui since they both shared the Spirit Detective title. Then he'd crush all of the hopeful fans by opening Sensui's closet. Since we are in the subject of sexuality, we might as well delve right in. I've never known a subject that ate a fandom as fast as this one.

If they left Yusuke ambiguous/bi/pan in the show/manga: This is the first/second option Togashi would probably go for if his editor didn't press him into it. The reason why is fairly obvious, it drives the fandom wild with unlimited pairing options (fan service to the extreme). The only major change in the manga/show would be that she and Keiko are 'really close friends'. Making their relationship feel more unique (read: teasing) than an overdone trope.

If she were obviously straight in the manga/show: This would be the second/first option, and it still would leave the fandom in a crazy stir considering the male/female ratio. Yusuke would be paired insanely with Hiei, Kurama and Koenma. And yet again because of his looks (and for certain countries, the voice actor as well), Kuwabara would be among the last to be paired with, despite all of the chemistry.

If she were obviously lesbian in the show/manga: The least likely option, for sadly obvious reasons. Togashi isn't Minekura, and may not be able to break the stereotype that goes with a shounen title. Poor Yusuke may get into a love triangle with Keiko and Kurama, until the big reveal that Kurama is- shock! Not a woman!

Perhaps I'm too harsh on Kurama.

* * *

Finishing this chapter, I have now done all of the main characters. This story will now be called complete. However, it won't be truly complete until I have done _all_ of the characters. If I have missed your favorite character, bring it up! If you have an interesting situation like the If Sensui and Itsuki were Lesbians, speak up! Heck, if you think I should have been more thorough with someone (like Keiko... or even Yusuke!) please say so and explain why so I know what you were looking for. I have to make sure I make fun of everything. It would be rude to forget someone!


	27. If Something Never Happened

Sometimes I wouldn't know where I would be without STWW. Your ideas man, are brilliant.

* * *

**Case Number 27: If Yusuke's Dad was a Woman...**

Obviously, there would be no show.

There would be however, a oneshot yuri doujinshi with an OVA that would never be released outside of Japan.


End file.
